I see posts all the time about how to help depressed friends. They give the same basic tips: listen without judgment, be supportive, check in on a regular basis. It's great advice!
But what happens when you have a friend with chronic depression?
When someone you care about is perpetually in the dumps, it can be frustrating and draining. It can also take a toll on your own mental health.
I have an uncommon perspective. I battle chronic depression and suicidal ideation. I also have friends with similar issues so I've experienced this from both sides. Let me share a little of what I've learned over the years.*
1. All depression is NOT the same -- I've said this before and I'm saying it again. Depression is a spectrum, people, not a single state of being. Some are lucky enough to meditate, exercise, or "gratitude" their way to a better outlook. Some, through no fault of their own, are not. Trust me, no amount of meditation will fix a chemical imbalance in the brain. Before you attempt to help your friend, recognize that they might be at a different place on the spectrum than anything you've experienced.
2. Empathy is key -- Think back to your worst day. The day you felt most defeated, your best efforts pointless, like a complete and utter failure. Nothing sounded like fun and you didn't want to do anything but sit in a corner and lick your wounds.
Imagine feeling that every day for weeks, months, years despite every pep talk or lecture you give yourself. That's what it can be like to have chronic depression. It's relentless, an oppressive, smothering, almost tangible weight. The business of mere survival (breathing, eating, visiting the toilet, etc.) is exhausting.
It's also a legitimate mental health condition (not a sign of weakness or a brand of moral failure). Approach your friend as if they had a chronic, debilitating physical illness. No lectures or judgment. Just listen and be as supportive as you can.
3. You can't fix it -- Unless you're professionally counseling your friend, it's not your job to "fix" them. Why? Because you can't. You might cheer them up temporarily but there is nothing you can do or say to keep the depression from returning. Even when properly medicated, there will still be bad days.
That doesn't mean you give up on them. Bring them yummy treats when they're feeling low. (Remember what I said about mere survival being exhausting? Imagine how much effort it takes to cook when you can barely get out of bed.) Share a funny story to make them laugh. Go out for coffee. Watch a movie. Take a walk in the sun. It's all good. Every bit of positive connection with other people helps, but the darkness will always return. Accept that from the beginning.
4. Never assume -- Some of us who suffer from depression are better at hiding what we feel than others. Never assume everything's okay just because it looks that way from the outside. Check in with your friend and don't accept "I'm fine" as an answer. Make an agreement with them that when you ask how they're doing you'll only accept an honest response. In exchange, make the time to hear whatever they have to say.
Too many of us fell for that "I'm fine" speech the last time one of my friends gave it during his final bout of depression. It was too late to do anything but mourn the loss by the time we figured out he was lying.
5. It's okay to step back -- I once had a friend who was a walking pity party. Every conversation was about her and whatever issue she was having at the time. Even if she had to reach back 20 years into her childhood to find something to bitch about. (She also had a habit of getting into bad situations because life without drama was apparently intolerable to her.) In the 15 years it took me to completely burn out, I don't think we had more than three conversations where I didn't kick myself for responding to her text or email. Sound familiar?
This is not an example of a healthy, supportive relationship. It was a one-sided association with an emotional vampire who drained me until I had nothing left to give.
On the other hand, I have depressed friends who share very little. They know they can be honest with me when they're having a rough time. Even so, they are very aware of how much they're sharing, how hard they're leaning on me for support, and how often.
I tell you these things for two reasons. First, to illustrate that there's a difference between attention-seeking drama addicts and people suffering from depression. Those are two separate mental health issues.
Second, to tell you that there's no shame in admitting you can't give anymore. Respect your own limitations. If the relationship is becoming unhealthy for you, be honest about it. You shouldn't have to feel like you're drowning in negativity in an effort to support someone else. That won't do either of you any good. Take a break. Encourage them to visit a counselor or join a depression support group (yes, they have those!). Give them the number for a crisis hotline and suggest they talk to a trained professional.
Hell, call the hotline yourself and ask for advice on what to do. Those folks are trained to do more than talk people out of suicide. They are an incredible source of expert advice for both the people suffering and those trying to help them.
You don't have to be on alert all the time to be a good friend to your depressed loved one. A standing appointment to meet for coffee and have an honest check in with them is a perfectly acceptable plan. Remember, it's not your job to fix them or even hold them up. You can listen. You can support. You can encourage, but the real solution lies with professional help.
*I am not a mental health professional. All opinions come from the perspective of someone who lives with a mental health issue. If you or someone you love is in trouble, contact one of the following crisis lines:
I'm Alive crisis chat line (visit https://www.imalive.org to chat)
Suicide Prevention hotline (800-800-273-TALK (8255) or Text "HELP" to 741-741)
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